BUYING VINCENT GALLO'S SPERM

My friend Andy told me that it is possible, via the internet, to purchase Vincent Gallo's (of RRIICCEE and such thrilling movies as Buffalo '66 and Brown Bunny) sperm on his website.

Of course, I didn't think he was telling the truth, but then I thought about it. Vincent Gallo perfectly encapsulates that Terry Richardson-esque, polaroid-sleeze, DIY-style of film, and it would be perfectly reasonable to believe he would offer up his sperm to the tune of $1,000,000.

Here is what Gallo says:

"Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself."

Ha ha. Look. He's being ironic. That ole Vincent Gallo, doing something so unbelievable as offering up his sperm for a million dollars. What a hipster. What a cad. What an experiment-or. Ha ha. Greasy megalomania is always funny.

You know, I have never heard his music, but his movies are just frankly bad. I do not enjoy them. I do not enjoy stretched apart, sad people in sad situations with sad backdrops who don't really have any compelling reason to be sad. And on top of that, he skeevs me out. In fact, I never use the word skeev unless its in conjunction with Vincent Gallo, and his over-sexed, under-groomed persona.

This is why people cringe when you use the word "auteur." He also resembles a bird-Jesus to me. A bird-Jesus covered in a fine layer of man-fur.

Oh, you can also buy Vinnie's childhood Hopalong Cassidy bedspread for $3,000 - probably a better investment if one didn't want to spend the million on his "specimen."